The illusion of freedom will continue as long as it’s profitable to continue the illusion. At the point where the illusion
becomes too expensive to maintain, they just take down the scenery, pull back the curtains and you will see the brick wall at the back of the theater. – Frank Zappa
This piece is the third installment of something I do every presidential election cycle (QV). I’ve done it for so long now; it seems that prestigious
publications and news organizations like Rolling Stone, CNN, Politico, and the Boston Globe have caught up with me. Their rationale is unclear.
Surveying the current political landscape makes me want to laugh to keep from crying. I’m beginning to catch a glimpse of Frank Zappa’s brick wall at the back
of the theater. In fact, Matt Taibbi’s article in the December 3rd issue of Rolling Stone is titled The Clown Car Rolls On. But Taibbi is not
writing about the obscure fringe candidates I have given voice to but rather the top tier Republican Party candidates.
At the time of this writing, Donald Trump is clearly leading the pack. Trump has said things that would clearly deep six the
presidential aspirations of any other candidate who shared the same sentiments. But just when I’m about to totally dismiss the braying billionaire; he says something
I actually agree with. It’s rare, but the master of the sound bite occasionally goes where angels fear to tread in longer interview formats. For example no
candidate has questioned our relationship with Saudi Arabia – a country that provided 15 out of the 19 9/11 hijackers who attacked this country as well as Bin Laden.
It is a country with a dubious royal family who play both sides of the fence – payoffs and concessions to terrorists on one hand in order to live their decadent western
lifestyles and the promise of cooperation and moderation on the other hand to appease the West. It is also a country who is turning on the oil spigot at full throttle
destroying our home grown energy sector and also diminishing the true economic and environmental costs of burning fossil fuels. Trump has also reached mental clarity when
describing the theatrical antics of Ted Cruz’s senate career. Cruz seems like a Rotary Club speaker who practices his speeches in front of a magic mirror. Who
talks like this guy? Nobody in the state he is supposed to represent in the senate anyway. While Trump has laid out outrageous positions on issues, it is merely a
negotiating ploy. After all, this is a guy who wrote a book called The Art of the Deal. There is no deal if you don’t have the give and take of somebody
on the other side of the desk negotiating with you. I’m not afraid that Trump might actually be a moderate beneath all that bluster, but I am afraid that Cruz will
actually throw the baby out with the bath water.
Carly Fiorina who at one point in her life was a successful CEO of a major corporation wants to expand her failed 2010 California senate
race to a presidential bid in 2016. Wearing a permanent scowl, she would exchange the federal bureaucracy for a corporate one. If things don’t work out Ms.
Fiorina can always offer up a parody of herself on Saturday Night Live. Mike Huckabee is faltering despite the endorsement of all around bad ass Chuck Norris.
Norris might have to kick a little ass in Iowa to give Huckabee a ghost of a chance. If I were a candidate, I might just enlist the support of Mr. T. Pity the fool,
pity the fool. Jeb Bush (I’ve actually gained a new found respect and admiration for the Bush family after reading Destiny and Power by Jon Meacham detailing
the years of the George H.W. Bush presidency) and Ben Carson are nice guys, but this will be a year unfortunately where nice guys finish last.
And then there are the Democrats. Another election, another Clinton and all the sordid scandals to go along with it. I
don’t know about you, but I’m getting a little Clinton fatigued. The alternative to Hillary is the curmudgeonly Vermont senator Bernie Sanders who wants to
bring Scandinavian style socialism to the United States. I’ll pass. I’m at the point in my life where I want to make as much money as possible, pay zero
taxes, and call my own self boss while at the same time staying out of prison. Call me greedy, not a democratic socialist.
And now for a few laughs: that fringe of the fringe, best of the worst, and worst of the best…whatever. These candidates are
Vermin Supreme – He describes himself as a friendly fascist promising to provide a free pony for every American. He also vows to
select New England Patriot quarterback Tom Brady as his running mate. Oh, and also he is keen on dental hygiene. It all makes perfect sense to me.
President Emperor Caesar – He’s tanned, he’s rested, and he just loves it when I mention his name now for the third
time. How does he expect to win? Name recognition I guess.
Princess Oawlawolwaol – It’s amazing what one can do with free web site technology. There is a video showcasing a tribal
drum gathering and a platform espousing…your guess is as good as mine. I’m not sure her prose is grammatically incorrect or she is introducing a new language
to a Star Trek viewership.
Christopher “Kaelas” Hurley – A young man based in New Mexico who apparently spends a lot of time on his computer
railing against this or that from the comfort of his own bunker.
Darwin Misha Reedy – She’s been on American Idol and the X-Factor, but apparently hasn’t appeared on Trump’s
Celebrity Apprentice. Not yet anyway. Hope springs eternal.
Ron White – One of my favorite comedians is running. “Comedy makes me uniquely qualified for president”, White
proclaims. That’s what I’ve been saying for years. And just when you think that his candidacy is all a joke, he has some great insights on our war on
drugs and caring for our wounded vets. If former senator Jim Webb doesn’t run as a third party candidate, White is my guy. No joke.
Thinking about running? You must be at least 35 years old, a natural born citizen, and have been a resident within the United States
for at least 14 years. File your paperwork with the FEC and pay the required filing fees all the while feeding your inner clown. Of course you'll have as much chance
of winning as I have of pulling a rabbit out of my ass.