Imagine all of your favorite awards shows on one network – the Grammys, the Emmys, the Tonys, the Oscars, the Espys, The MTV music awards, the CMA country music awards, the Kennedy Center Honors, the Rock and Roll Hall of Fame inductions and on and on and on it goes. Call it the All Awards Network (All Awards All The Time) for all the red carpet lovers everywhere. You would not only have access to the current crop of awards shows, but past festivities would be archived and accessed on demand. Want to watch the 1973 Academy Awards and relive the infamous streaker incident and see that priceless look on David Niven's face? Or perhaps revisit Marlon Brando's non acceptance of the 1973 best actor award by proxy Sacheen Littlefeather. How about Elton John and Eminem's collaboration on Stan at the Grammys or Rod Stewart's malapropism at his induction into the Rock and Roll Hall of fame ( He called it the Rock and Roll Hall of Flame. I don't know why it's funny, it just is). No problem, they will all be shown in all of their glamour, glitz, and stunning glory.
But what would a network be without original programming? Warhol's famous maxim that in the future everyone would have 15 minutes of fame needs to be amended. Yes everyone will achieve brief fame but they also will receive an award. Excellence as well as mediocrity will be rewarded. Famous for being famous? All you celebutantes come on down. You lost a game? No you didn't, you finished second. There's an award for finishing second, third, fourth… Maybe you lived your life as a total fuckup. No problem, step right up and get your total fuckup award. The constant parade of "reality" stars cry out for their awards show. If your name is Jon or Kate and you have 25 kids, then you have an award coming your way. In the old Jim Reeves song, I'd Be A Legend In My Time, the singer claims he would be a legend if "they gave gold statuettes for tears and regret". Well Jim, the time has come. They do give gold statuettes for tears and regret. So you see, original programming is no problem for the AAN.
So in preparation for my award (I'm not sure what category I would be nominated in - I haven't ruled out the total fuck up category) I started working on my acceptance speech. And no it won't be one of those I didn't expect to win so I didn't prepare anything speeches. Just remember everyone in the future will win an award. So you my friends have time to work on your speeches. Most acceptance speeches are laden with thank yous. Mine would be no different.
First I would need to thank the usual suspects: a higher power, spouse, mom and dad, apple pie, manager, publisher, editor, director, publicist, my fellow nominees (I feel honored just to be in the same room with them. Blah…blah…blah), members of the Academy, distinguished ladies and gentleman of this or that committee, Mary from the mail room, and various members of my entourage.
I would also like to thank…
The first guy who broke my nose. He taught me how to duck.
The second guy who broke my nose. He taught me that I wasn't ducking fast enough. The third guy who broke my nose. He taught me boxing wasn't a wise career move. That's why I got into acting, writing, singing…fill in the blank.
Jerry Springer. He has searched the country high and low for every degenerate, low life scum, the utterly clueless, and the psychotic, pathological low rent riffraff so I don't have to; although they still always seem to find me.
My barber – for not slitting my throat. He's a nice enough chap, but he likes to use the old fashioned straight razor. And when the barber shop talk turns to politics…well he gets a little aggressive and his hands start to shake and I get a little nervous.
The boy who delivers my newspaper. He's convinced me that keeping old yellowed newspapers around is actually a good thing. After all, if I haven't read it, it's still news to me.
I could go on and on, but I hear that music playing in the orchestra pit or is that the music inside my head. I'm not sure but it is my cue to get off the stage. Did I leave out somebody? I'm sure I did. But I'm sure they will leave me out when they win their award.