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Off the worn track – in the halls and lanes of the old quarter – lenders, traders, importers gather in clustered emporiums – negotiations, debates and disagreements continue, some hotter than others. Jeffery the Canadian, has debts, large debts amounting to one and one half million – returns on his venture are slower than anticipated. He owes money to those who are not disposed to having money owed. And I, his brother and friend, am the go-between.
I know Jeffery owes the money, I know he has to repay it. He is my friend and I will not let him come to harm. For hours we argue – the wealthy, bearded patriarch – swollen belly shuddering with each gesture, jowls reddening and flustered, and I – determined and narrow in my pursuit of fairness.
"Where is the honour?" plies the patriarch, "where is the return on trust?"
I reason - all that has changed is the expectation of 'time'. Jeffery has argued that he simply needs the commodity of more 'time' and I will personally ensure he carries it through – notwithstanding the sweat-equity that may have been hitherto lacking.
I offer my complete focus and assistance to bring the patriarch the prosperity he is due. And I warn him that my commitment in assisting this process is as great as my resolve to render him ruin and chaos should any harm befall my brother. The patriarch understands and agrees. Jeffery understands his part and agrees. I acknowledge my role and commit to it.
This dream has spoken to me about balancing two sides of my nature. In the dream I feel empowered as I work for a win/win arrangement. I am totally resolved to match fairness with wrath should any harm befall my friend. It is important to me, the patriarch get what is coming to him, that Jeffery stick to his commitment, and that Jeffery not be compromised by any vengeful action.
I "sweat the opposites", and the dream gives me a yardstick by which to measure future deliberations and conflicts I might experience.
I have many experiences of only one side of my nature making decisions:
buying expensive items when I might have waited, making commitments to others when I am already over committed, taking on projects that will stretch resources. I recognise this well, when only one side of my nature does the talking and keeps the other side quiet, and when later down the track, how the other side comes in like a slap – and says; "what the hell were you thinking?"
I feel the tension in these decisions, between: the side of me that must have it now – Mr Impulsive, and the side that votes for economic conservatism – Mr Austerity. The side that over commits – Mr Responsible, and the part that wants to do what it likes, when it likes – Mr Irresponsible. The side that says yes to everything and everybody – Mr Pleaser, and the side that would like to say no, and go jump – Mr Selfish.
The alternative to one-sided decision making has been made clearer by this dream. I see that it is important to value all the voices and provide creative solutions – ones that represent all interests. Decisions I might discover by "sweating the opposites."
And if, for example, the parent voice in me typically says no to everything the inner child desires – what kind of inner dis-harmony will I perpetuate? And if I continue to let one side dominate, how often will I regret my actions?
Impulsive Child says: " go on, buy the expensive, very fast, sports car, you'll be really cool and everyone will talk about you."
Responsible Parent says: "are you crazy, you know you can't afford it, you're way to old for that kind of thing, no, for a million reasons No."
I know from bitter experience, if the Impulsive Child buys the car then I have had it down the track, the responsible parent will team up with the inner-critic and give me a hammering I will grieve and regret.
So I must bring in my (newly forming) Aware Adult to facilitate the negotiation. The first thing is, (as in the dream) to let all sides have their say, and in the final frame to arbitrate a decision that has a commitment behind it.
In acknowledging all sides and thanking them for their input, the Aware Adult (also know as Aware Ego*) says: "if you are still as enthusiastic - you will buy a sports car next year, after you have saved a larger deposit, and it may not have to be the latest model – this is my decision". This decision has a commitment behind it which does not imply rigidity – other factors may emerge down the track and so the Aware Adult is by nature flexible and organic.
My Aware Adult is able to hold the tensions of differing needs. An aware and informed decision is made about the sports car and all sides are represented. The decision is not a compromise as no side loses out or is weakened. Also, having to make a hurried decision was in part connected to one side fearing the reprisal of the other and forcing a decision quickly before the other side got a chance to speak.
The technique of sweating the opposites comes from a body of work known as: Psychology of the Selves in Relationship to the Aware Ego – Dr Hal Stone & Dr Sidra Stone.
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