1. Ashtrays, ashtrays, ashtrays. I haven't smoked in years, but you never know when I might start again. And if I start again, I have a feeling I'm going to be a chain smoker. Plenty of ashtrays. And please don't bother me with some city ordinance that forbids smoking – onstage or backstage.
2. Cigarette lighters are to be banned however. It's really quite silly to see a crowd flick their bics during some smaltzy, saccharine, romantic ballad that they danced to in high school. I don't sing those types of songs anyway, but there's always a smartass in the crowd.
3. Only the finest BMW automobile to ferry me from airport to motel to concert with heavily tinted windows. Don't insult me by providing one of those sissified "hybrid" cars that resembles a golf cart and runs on popcorn or coconut oil. A driver shall be furnished who is NOT FLUENT IN ENGLISH. If the driver is not fluent in English, he will not feel the need to engage in mindless chatter.
4. Adequate security shall be provided. If you look like a mall cop, you are probably not adequate for the job. Keep the riff raff away. I'm not there to shake hands, sign autographs, or have fans regale me with stories. I'm there to perform!
5. Man sized toilet paper. 'Nuff said.
6. An elegant dressing room shall be provided for me and my three year old chow Ponchita. Ponchita doesn't perform, but she's the "boss". She also helps to keep groupies at bay. Just remember, hell hath no fury like a Ponchita scorned. The room should not look like a Howard Johnsons. Room temperature shall be set at 55 degrees Fahrenheit. We like it a little frosty.
7. Specialty foods required such as boudain, marinated artichokes, hickory smoked Vienna sausages (yum yum), organic buffalo meat, free range chicken, potato and avocado salad, bottled water imported from the Arctic Circle, plenty of the best coffee in the world – Seattle's Best. Real beer such as Guinness Stout, Samuel Adams, and Shiner Bock shall be made available before, during, and after the show. Anything "lite" will not be acceptable.
8. A food taster shall be provided an hour before meal time. I simply cannot afford to contract food poisoning before the show.
9. Ponchita has special dietary requirements. Needless to say, it doesn't involve Alpo or Kibbles n' bits. Think more along the lines of Orange roughy. Suffice it to say, she will also require the services of a food taster. Further instructions will be given the day of the show.
10. A monitor will need to be set up backstage in order for Ponchita to see Daddy perform. Ruff, ruff.