Miracle of miracles I just woke up and it's 8:30 AM. I set my new electric blanket for one hour and that was at about 4:30 AM. Y’all probably know I've been having some issues, but most of it is kind of typical. Chemo will whip your ass and I expected that. Not happy with the hair loss but it's not like Oscar lady with alopecia.

Last night was horrible, though. I had already done what I'm supposed to do in terms of not eating past a certain hour--that kind of thing. But for some reason, I was in pain and it had to do with my Ostomy routine. It meant that it was very difficult to find a comfortable position to sleep. I wrestled with my options and finally at 4 AM decided to take a pain pill and just radically shift pillows around. That worked cause here we are at 8:30.

Here's what was weird: the dream I just awoke from, in the exact position, with my little peripheral neuropathy gloves on and bed clothes undisturbed.

I was on a trip, which ironically, I can't go on at least not at present and not really feeling it's an option for later. Who knows? But that's not the point. Wherever it was I was visiting suddenly there's my daughter-in-law. WTF. Anyway she arrived at my (I guess) hotel room and she was upset and red-faced from crying. Never seen her like that. She kind of wrote the book on stoic. But anyway, she was in a sort of confessional mood and she sat down on the floor with her back against the bed and just poured her little heart out. I was gratified in a weird sort of way cause I haven't actually seen her recently. We've communicated, but it's only been by text. A child was with us and I wanna say it was my grandson at age eight maybe? Which was hilarious because he's off at college right now.

Anyway, we decided to go eat and we ended up at an Indian restaurant. There weren't very many customers and it was a pretty large space. L got her food and some for the kid. I stayed at the counter to make my order and the guys across from me were kibitzing. Every time I said what I wanted, they would suggest something else. All I really wanted was a basic plate with some naan and the things I'm kind of used to from my trips to India: rice, and some veggie dish, and some raita. They made a lovely dish. I could see it. And I thought for a tiny second holy crap where's my money? But then I saw the usual no touch device and realized I can just use my watch or my phone to pay. I relaxed, and then noticed that my food unfortunately had disappeared.

What follows is kind of slapstick/Vaudeville/3 stooges/nightmare. I was increasingly aware that I was hungry and that every time I looked for my supposed meal, it had changed. I went from delighted to slightly less, as I noticed that it kept shifting from fairly substantial to sort of skimpy. I had initially asked for more naan and the guy had kind of shrugged. But here I was not even able to take what it was they were barely begrudgingly offering me. I went from barely annoyed to loud and outraged, and finally crossed over behind the counter and took what I thought was my order (which by the way I'd already paid for).

At some point in the middle of this went to the bathroom. Maybe hoping that they would sort it out before I got back? Don't know. But at the point now, when they’re blocking me and preventing me from taking my food to a table, they begin quizzing me. "What were you doing in the bathroom? Are you part of a spy network? How do we know you're who you say you are? " All I was really aware of was how hungry I was so I told them the equivalent of fuck off, grabbed my food and just went over to sit with L and kid. They had already gotten their food and were almost done.

I on the other hand, sat down and began doing something I haven't done for a long time: eating voraciously. Rice and bread and sauce, and at a certain point realized, phooey there's a piece of cauliflower I shouldn't eat so I set that aside. The food was delicious, however lest they get away with all the shenanigans, I periodically stood up and shouted to anybody who would listen that these guys were bat shit crazy, and that nobody should ever come to this place.

I realize now that everything I let out is what I wanna do. I wanna kick and scream.

And I want to eat.