A Brief History of Cats - Part 1
This is the source for a new film scheduled to begin shooting in 2015 in Vietnam (where they truly eat cats with relish).
Feline Domesticus (or Felidae Domesticus), the so-called domestic Cat is not domesticated at all, nor did it evolve from another species other than itself.
Like its larger relatives, the Cat is a relentless predator, merciless, unforgiving, an unpredictable wild creature, and it purrs.
As a pure carnivore, the Cat yearns for warm, still alive meat of animals, insects, poets and modern dancers.
The Cat hates litter boxes, uses them to con its provider, prefers shoes and pillows.
The Cat does not enjoy sex. It fakes orgasms.
The Cat does not get high on catnip. Like sex, it fakes it.
Cats like dogs, especially smelly, furry, little dogs.
Cats believe that dogs and humans are part of the same species.
Cats do not die. They just fade away and reappear as other cats.
Cats did not evolve on this planet. They drifted here from another planet, far, far away.
Cats are never sad.
A Brief History of Cats - Part 2.
In ancient Egypt, Cats were revered as gods. They liked that.
Ancient Egyptian Cats became tall and thin with nearly vertical eyes. Like the Pharoahs they were so incestuous they devolved until there was only one breeding pair left.
The remaining two Egyptian Cats escaped to Paris where they were last seen on a label of My Sin perfume.
Siamese Cats were not from Siam. They originated with the Native American Cherokees and were brought to Siam as amulets.
Babe Ruth is the one who brought them to Siam.
Persian Cats are not from Persia. They're from Waco, Texas.
There are no feral Cats. There are only feral people who think that Cats are like them.
Cats love music. They don't like rock&roll or country western music. They hate rap.
Cats speak in tongues. They meow in Qu√©b√©cois French.
Cats do not purr because they are happy. They are never happy. They purr to ward off insomnia.
Cats can fly but only when they are not being watched.
Cats can become invisible. When a Cat blinks its eyes, it disappears. When a Cat blinks its eyes rapidly like the wings of a Hummingbird, it remains invisible for at least two hours.
Cats are never sad.
A Brief History of Cats - Part 3.
The Cat is not a species, it is a genus obscuratus, Which means it has existed from the beginning of time, and a little before that.
Recent research has determined that the Cat is only “semi-domesticated” unlike the dog which is 90% domesticated, and 10% forgotten wolf and hopeful human.
The Cat is not obligingly “semi” domesticated. It is “faux” domesticated. It pretends to be domesticated as it domesticates its keepers while it dismisses them.
The Cat has claws for predation, climbing, clinging and licking. It sharpens them on any thing and every thing.
In Ancient Rome, the Cat was considered both a delicacy and a god.
In the Darker ages, the Cat was also considered both a delicacy and a god. Today, nothing has changed.
Herman Melville hated Cats. So did Ernest Hemingway and Josef Stalin.
The list of humanoids that hate Cats is so long that the named could overpopulate a small planet.
Humans hate. Cats do not. They simply dismiss.
Male Cats are not aggressive, females are. If female Cats were not aggressive , they would never mate.
The Cat does not drink water, it laps it with a cupped, upside down tongue, the same way it pees.
Catgut does not come from Cats.
Cats have fur primarily to release it. It is a vital element in the Earth’s atmosphere. It clings to any thing and every thing.
Cats get bored. They find humans and dogs boring.
Cats cannot be photographed. The inundation of purported Cat photos is a mirage perpetrated by Cats as they domesticate humans.
Cats can laugh.
Cats are never sad.
This is an ongoing history project sponsored by the Felines Forever Foundation. You can contribute your facts, opinions, fears and misinformation by posting your comment below. All contributions are subject to editorial oversight and become the exclusive property of FFF. Please do not send us photos, fur, stuffed animals or your pets.