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SCENE ONE.
A radio studio. Lou Costello is sitting on a stool and trying to take off his boot. He pulls at it with both hands. He gives up, exhausted, rests, tries again.
Repeat.
Bud Abbott enters.
COSTELLO
Nothing to be done. My feet stink!
BUD
(Advancing with short, stiff strides, legs wide apart)
I'm beginning to come round to that opinion.
COSTELLO
My feet stink?
BUD
Yeah... Yeah... You need do to something! Lou, be reasonable, you haven't tried everything yet.
COSTELLO
Like what?
BUD
Perfume for the feet! Or get other feet.
COSTELLO
Like Frankenstein?
BUD
So there you are again! Forget it! I'm glad to see you back.
COSTELLO
Me too.
BUD
Together again at last! We'll have to celebrate this. But how?
COSTELLO
(He reflects.)
I'll embrace you.
BUD
Not now, not now.
(Hurt, coldly.)
May one inquire where His Highness spent the night?
COSTELLO
In a ditch!
BUD
A ditch! Where?
COSTELLO
It's the name of a bar!
BUD
Ditch?
COSTELLO
Yeah.
BUD
What an ugly name!
COSTELLO
That's what I said.
BUD
And they didn't beat you?
COSTELLO
Beat me? Certainly they beat me.
BUD
And you?
COSTELLO
I felt a lot of pain.
BUD
You'd be nothing more than a little heap of bones at the present moment, no doubt about it.
COSTELLO
A heap of aching bones!
(Costello tears at his boot.)
BUD
What are you doing?
COSTELLO
Taking off my boot. Didn't that ever happen to you?
BUD
Boots must be taken off every day, I'm tired of telling you that. Why don't you listen to me?
COSTELLO
Help me!
BUD
It hurts?
COSTELLO
(Angrily.)
Hurts! He wants to know if it hurts!
BUD
(Also angrily.)
No one ever suffers but you. I don't count. I'd like to hear what you'd say if you had what I have.
COSTELLO
It hurts?
BUD
Hurts! He wants to know if it hurts!
COSTELLO
What hurts?
BUD
You!
COSTELLO
Me?
BUD
Forget it!
(THERE'S A SILENCE.)
BUD
He has not arrived yet?
COSTELLO
Who?
BUD
Beckett.
COSTELLO
No. But he left the script!
BUD
Where?
(Costello delivers the script to Bud.)
COSTELLO
Here! It's yours.
(Bud leafs through the script.)
COSTELLO
Can we rehearse while Beckett doesn't come?
BUD
Sure.
(The two go to the microphones.)
BUD
I think we should wait for Beckett.
COSTELLO
Waiting for Beckett?
BUD
Yep.
COSTELLO
But will he come?
BUD
I don't know. How did you get the script?
COSTELLO
The stage manager gave it to me.
BUD
Pozzo?
COSTELLO
Yeah.
BUD
Probably was Beckett who handed the script to Pozzo.
COSTELLO
I don't know.
BUD
Pozzo said nothing about Beckett?
COSTELLO
No. He just handed me the script.
BUD
Anyway, I prefer to wait for the arrival of Beckett.
COSTELLO
We won't rehearse?
BUD
I think not.
COSTELLO
And what do we do while Beckett doesn't come?
BUD
We talk.
COSTELLO
About what?
BUD
Did you ever read the Bible?
COSTELLO
The Bible . . .
(He reflects.)
I must have taken a look at it.
BUD
Do you remember the Gospels?
COSTELLO
I remember the maps of the Holy Land. They were in color. Very pretty. The Dead Sea was pale blue. The very look of it made me thirsty. That's where we'll go, I used to say, that's where we'll go for our honeymoon. We'll swim. We'll be happy.
BUD
You should have been a poet.
COSTELLO
I was.
(Gesture towards his hat.)
Isn't that obvious?
(THERE'S A BRIEF SILENCE.)
BUD
Where was I… How's your foot?
COSTELLO
Still stinks.
BUD
Ah yes, the two thieves. Do you remember the story?
COSTELLO
No.
BUD
Should I tell it to you?
COSTELLO
No.
BUD
It'll pass the time. While we waiting for Beckett.
COSTELLO
No.
BUD
Okay... then we'll talk about what?
COSTELLO
Baseball.
BUD
Baseball?
COSTELLO
Yeah! I'm an expert in baseball...
BUD
Have you ever played baseball?
COSTELLO
Did you know that I never lost a baseball game?
BUD
Really?
(Excited.)
You're the best, like Babe Ruth?
COSTELLO
(Stately.)
Maybe…
BUD
Tell me more about this feat? Which team did you play for?
COSTELLO
(Thoughtful.)
I never played for any team. I never played baseball.
BUD
What?
COSTELLO
So I never lost a game.
BUD
I don't know why I waste my time with you.
(THERE'S A SILENCE)
COSTELLO
And Beckett?
BUD
He will come?
COSTELLO
I don't know.
BUD
And if he doesn't?
COSTELLO
What should we do?
BUD
I don't know. Maybe it's better we rehearse.
COSTELLO
Without Beckett?
BUD
Yes. We can't wait.
COSTELLO
I'm afraid he will never appear.
BUD
Forget it! Sooner or later he will arrive.
COSTELLO
Are you sure?
BUD
Of course.
COSTELLO
You're right!
BUD
Meanwhile, we can rehearse.
COSTELLO
Okay.
BUD
From the beginning, huh?
COSTELLO
We can start...
BUD
Alright.
(Bud leaves the stage.)
(Costello is sitting on a stool, trying to take off his boot. He pulls at it with both hands. He gives up, exhausted, rests, tries again.)
(Repeat.)
(Bud returns to the stage.)
COSTELLO
Nothing to be done. My feet stink!
BUD
(Advancing with short, stiff strides, legs wide apart)
I'm beginning to come round to that opinion.
COSTELLO
My feet stink?
BUD
Yeah... Yeah... You need do to something! Lou, be reasonable, you haven't tried everything yet.
COSTELLO
Like what?
BUD
Perfume for the feet! Or get other feet.
COSTELLO
Like Frankenstein?
BUD
So there you are again! Forget it! I'm glad to see you back.
COSTELLO
Me too.
(They continue with the same dialogue from the beginning.)
(FADE OUT)
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