Rat Holes and tent poles

Claudine Jones-Scene4 Magazine

Claudine Jones

Here's a fun experiment: dictating (after three tries blocking the microphone) while I'm trying to fall asleep.

The guys are in the other room watching probably the 7th episode of an animated show that they both like but I'm not terribly interested in. I do appreciate my grandson's sense of humor, yet I don't always share it.

Since my brain has been on a boil today, too many things to think about, I have to squeeze this nap in before I go to my Caregiver Support Group tonight in about an hour. That doesn't give me much time to doze and dictate so I'm doing them at the same time. Unlikely that I will in fact fall asleep; I would have started this earlier, but this is a relaxing a sort of way to meet a deadline.

I'm just so exhausted from holding up the tent. Being a tent pole is exhausting. We had a thing last week; I think it was I was chattering along, and the old man went all red-faced and said I'm tired of that subject I don't want to talk about it anymore I don't want to hear that word. So we spent a whole week not touching on the subject, which obviously was a sore one, so here's what was interesting: denied access to that one subject, instead of obsessive it became a sort of anti-obsessive. See how enlarged our world can be without that one item on the agenda as it were. Because let's face it, when your perspective has been altered, many times you see things that you wouldn't ordinarily have seen.

Anyway, it turned out to be pretty refreshing after I got over the shock. My family doesn't operate that way; we have an incessant need to overshare. They wouldn't call it overshare were it not something that you could OD on. I'm sure I'm not the only one that has noticed, nor am I the only one who has a family that does it. It's just a thing, but to be called on it. Wow. It's like being forced into a Hall of Mirrors on not one of your best days. You have a full 3d view of yourself, bad hair and all.

I don't know why I'm avoiding being specific.  Same issue of oversharing? How many times can you delve into the details any particular family drama without getting so bored, so tired of the whole thing you want to just, I don't know. I earlier said oh just shoot me because I'd just gotten off the phone,  very frustrated trying to get some business done, and it wasn't happening, and yes it felt like there are too many things dropping through the cracks, there are so many things left unanswered. So many shards, they can't be put back together.

Not to mix up all of the imagery but everybody is bone-sore. Tired of politics, tired of medical issues, tired of pain, tired of too many choices, tired of too much food as a source of getting through the day.

Or through the night: I just saw a thing that said that THC and CBD can also be done on a little sub-lingual strip; a guy who has manufactured it has not got a lot of distribution yet. I'd like to try it. Don't get me wrong I love my gummies and I have a hard time doing without them but they do take a long  time to take effect. I tested it last night: it was kind of weird because trying to, let's say, watch some Stephen Colbert, or 10 minutes of current news, or some music on YouTube until I get drowsy and turn it off, mostly works but when it doesn't I'm left lying there trying to wrestle into a comfortable position with a hip that hurts—even with a pain pill. Doing all that without pillows between my knees and under an arm because at night they invariably get tangled in the bed clothes.  So I tried doing the gummy way early, like an hour before.  Seemed to work better. If I remember to do it.

I just bought a new set of gummies; should last me a month and I don't really want to start a research project.—but if it gets bad enough I might just do that. Just to change things up. The idea of being able to take a some product that would act much more quickly is kind of tempting I must say.   I am going to stop Xarelto—only   have four more pills. It was left to me to decide and I know they said there is no right answer: turns out that it's a 50/50 thing if you've already had a DVT, you have chance of getting another one so you should stay on the blood thinners, but on the other hand that means that you're at risk when you fall, if you fall, and I don't like that. Who likes that? So yeah it's my decision, doesn't it cost me anything because Johnson & Johnson has this patient assistance program and I get the stuff free. That pisses me off for all the people who don't know about it and are having to come up with 500 smackerels a month.

I was right. You can't fall asleep while you're dictating. Well you can, but I'm not.  I learned yesterday, in an interview with personnel making a new Mr. Rogers movie, some of the extent to which dear Fred was able to be still. Kind of the antithesis of oversharing. Consciousness raised, spirit at the ready, words held in abeyance. Children especially appreciated his approach; would that we all could allow ourselves some silence.


Dangerous part 2 of Experiment: now dictating at a red light and I shouldn't be doing this because it's on my cell phone on my knee, and I'm worried that when the light goes green and I pull out from the intersection my phone will go sliding off onto the floor, but of course it won't because it's going to be going backwards into my groin, but it's still a distraction I shouldn't be doing it, so I'm going to stop.

Oh my Lord Nammie's gone over to the dark side this is so illegal oh my God. This is the fourth stop light it seems like I am hitting all the red lights so it's really hard not to be tempted and yet I think of all the people who should not be fiddling around with car safety: the Widow of a car accident victim.



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Claudine Jones has had a long, full career as an Actor/Singer/Dancer.
She writes a monthly column and is a Senior Writer for Scene4.
For more of her commentary and articles, check the Archives.

©2019 Claudine Jones
©2019 Publication Scene4 Magazine



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